An ‘ordinary woman’.
#EachForEqual is the Global theme for this year’s International Women’s Day. However, having an equal world as we all know is more than just about gender. One of the areas seldom discussed is how class creates inequalities, particularly for women. So here is a story of how an ‘Ordinary’ Working Class Woman lived and how choices, or lack of them, over the past 100 years, impacted on her life and others around her, including the men. I hope you enjoy the highs and lows of this blog and can celebrate just how far we have come. And I hope it will inspire you to reflect upon how, thankfully, we have so many more choices available to us now and how you might be able to create change, by personally helping to broaden people’s perceptions, improve situations for others and celebrate women’s everyday achievements.
The sooner we all do this, the sooner we will truly have an #EachForEqual world.
The story of an ‘Ordinary’ woman Dorothy Cerilla Thompson was born into a working class family in 1926 in Stanley, a small village in the North East of England. Her Dad was a widower with three children when he met her Mam. After his first wife died he needed a wife to look after him and be a Mam to his children, he had no choice. In the early 1900’s men didn’t bring up children, instead they went to work and brought home the bread.
When Dorothy was born her parents had already had nine children and they went on to have three more, although sadly two died during childbirth and one sister died very young. There was no choice about how many children you would have then, as contraception wasn’t readily available and sex education was non existent, or a load of old wives tales. Babies and children often died, as did women in childbirth, because medical care was unaffordable, the NHS didn’t exist until 1948. Unbelievable and unacceptable in the UK in this day and age, but then there was no choice in whether children lived or died.
When Dorothy was six, she gained yet another sister. However, this sister wasn’t really a sister, but was actually her niece. Her eldest step sister had got pregnant and in the early 30’s this would bring shame upon the family, so there was no choice other than Dorothy’s mum to bring the child up as hers. Everyone knew the situation but no-one ever talked about it, there was no choice, it just wasn’t the done thing. The family, like most working class families, was large and poor, but everyone was loved and happy.
Dorothy loved school and being in the Brownies, and later the Girl Guides, and she always did her best. But, even doing her best, Dorothy had to leave school at fourteen, because children, like Dorothy, from poor backgrounds didn’t go into higher education and had no inspiration to achieve more. She needed to go to work to bring money into the household, so she had no choice. Her first job was as a grocers delivery girl, where she would deliver groceries and flowers, on a sit up and beg bike, delivering to the richer families, who could afford home deliveries.
When Dorothy was thirteen, World War Two started and wasn’t to end until she was nineteen. As soon as she was old enough, Dorothy joined the Women’s Auxiliary Training Services (ATS) and became a Physical Training instructor, although she didn’t have any experience. She had no choice, she was needed to contribute to the war effort.
At twenty one Dorothy met a young chap over the garden fence. It was Jack, who was on leave from his job working in the Merchant Navy. They were married very quickly, they had no choice as 7 months after their wedding their first child was born early. How times had changed already, just in sixteen years! Their wedding was put together very quickly and cheaply. Food was still scarce, as Food Rationing continued until 1954, so all their family and friends clubbed together rations as there was no other choice. A three tier wedding cake was made from those rations and Dorothy had a beautiful bridal gown made of parachute silk.
Dorothy, or Dot, as she had became known by then, and Jack started their married life living with Jack’s parents. They didn’t have any money and getting a council house was very difficult back in the 40’s, so they had no choice. It was a difficult start to married life living with Jack’s parents as Jack’s Mam believed Dot had ‘trapped him’ and that he’d have been better off with a previous girlfriend, who was from a ‘better' family, and of course her son had played no part in this situation.......
They went on to have three more children, another son and two daughters. While Jack went out to work at the local Steelworks, Dot stayed home and looked after the family, as that’s what the women did, she had no choice. The family weren’t rich but they had enough money to live on and enjoy simple things in life. They eventually got a council house, although, it did have an outside loo; a plug in boiler to get hot water; a basic wash tub to wash their clothes and a mangle to wring the washing. There might not have been any mod cons, but Dot managed, she had to, she had no choice, this was the norm for working class families.
By the time Dot had her fourth child they had a little bit more money, well Jack did. Every week, Dot was given her housekeeping money and she had to manage to feed the family of six and pay the bills. Dot was good at managing the housekeeping budget, she baked from scratch and went round all the shops looking for the best buys. She had no choice, that was her job. Jack paid for the family holidays, although Dot still had to use her housekeeping money for the food, even on holiday. Back then holidays weren’t to any fancy hotels, or going abroad, but instead, they went to stay with family or to a caravan site. In the late 60’s Jack bought a car and took the family out on day trips too. When their youngest child was ten, Dot & Jack managed to buy their council house and, by then, they also had an inside toilet, a colour tv and a twin tub washing machine. So Dot’s life had seemingly become easier! As the eldest children left school and got jobs, Dot’s life became a round of getting up early to make breakfast for everyone, make the men’s baits and filling her days as a housewife. She still had no choice, as it wasn’t right for the women to go out to work. Even in the early 70’s, when women got married, it was normal for them to give up their jobs or, at the very least, cut their hours to part-time. And once children came along, women were still expected to give up their jobs, there was no choice, in working class households.
On a Sunday, the men went to the club while Dot cooked Sunday lunch, which got served whenever they got back. Dot couldn’t go, women weren’t allowed in the working men’s club, especially if there were strippers on, which was a regular Sunday lunchtime act in Northern Working Men’s clubs. So Dorothy had no choice but to stay home and do dinner.
But there was big changes coming for Dot........
By the mid 70’s Women’s lib was in the news and women were wanting more independence. Dot took a job and became Manager of a dry cleaners. However, Dot wasn’t happy, not being there to look after the men, so, after a couple of years she left to go back to being a housewife. For the first time in her life she’d had a choice and she decided that she’d proved she could do it, but she didn’t want to work full-time. So instead, she chose to take a part-time job in a shop, with no responsibilities, and it meant she could still be there for her family and she was happy.
The second big change was that she learnt to drive and, after three attempts, she passed her test. But Jack continued to do all the driving and she soon lost her confidence. She quickly decided that it was enough for her to know she could do it, but she quite liked being chauffeured around, so she chose never to drive again. Once again she had choices.
By the late 70’s the children had started leaving home, and were now all adults, so this meant Dot & Jack had more freedom and more money, they both had more choices. Dot loved to dance and persuaded Jack to go to dancing lessons. There was one condition, she had to keep it a secret from all the family. She had no choice, Jack didn’t want anyone thinking he was effeminate - real men didn’t dance! However, they both turned out to be really good and, in time, both of them were proud to show off their skills. Their social life became transformed with a new set of friends; going away on holidays with them and enjoying many dance nights out. Dot was in her element, getting dressed up to go out and show off their newly found dancing skills. She became involved in the local community, going to Church on her own or with her youngest daughter on a Sunday and getting involved with activities in the local Community Centre and taking classes that she enjoyed.
Dot was loving all the new choices that were coming into both their lives. She had gained so much more confidence in deciding where she wanted to go and what she wanted to do, and when. By then, Jack happily went along with what she wanted. Dot had hit the prime of her life in her 60’s and looked and was radiant. She had fabulous choices in her life and she loved it.
And now for the sad part.......
Sadly times, even now, still haven’t evolved enough and for Dot and Jack their choices diminished once again as as old age set in, suffering from arthritis and the fear and vulnerability that many old people have of going out after dark. Neither of them were able to drive anymore or go dancing like they had so enjoyed and their holidays stopped. Of course they were still surrounded by the family they loved, but even visits from the grandchildren were quite exhausting for them.
Gradually Dot started to become even more forgetful than normal and in 2013 she was admitted to hospital, with a water infection, and sadly she was never to go back home to live, as she suffered from delirium which took her Alzheimer’s Disease and Dementia to the next level. She was doped up with drugs to keep her going and now not only were her choices limited they had diminished altogether. Once again she had no choice, but this time other people were making all the choices for her. She moved between hospitals and ended up in a Specialist Nursing home were she lived for five years - she had no choice, as Jack couldn’t care for her any more and she needed round the clock help.
And all of a sudden Dot didn’t exist any more as she became Dorothy once again. This was what was written on her medical documents and no-one felt able to correct the staff and actually it was true, Dot didn’t exist any more......
Dorothy got up when they got her up, got dressed when someone dressed her, ate when they fed her, watched tv when they turned it on, sat with visitors when they came to see her and went to bed when they took her. She crunched her medication when they gave it to her, as she couldn’t swallow it and no-one gave her the choice of it in liquid form, her teeth went brown due to the drugs and her nails, which had been her pride and joy were only clean when she was visited by one of the family who made sure they were cleaned. However, she always had a smile on her face and told everyone she loved them even though she cried to go home, which she couldn’t do, as it would have unsettled her too much so she had no choice, until she didn’t know what home was anymore. The upside of not knowing her home anymore meant that she could be taken back home, one day a week, to visit Jack who had found the visits to the home impossible, due to his failing health and the emotional toll it took on him. They had lovely days together and sat holding hands and kissing.
Sadly, in 2016, Jack took ill and passed away and Dot / Dorothy never even got to say goodbye and wasn’t at his funeral. All the choices were being made for her, with the best of intentions. Her health & wellbeing had to be top priority, so being with a crowd full of strangers crying wasn’t the best option for her, so there was no choice. Over the next two years Dorothy’s health declined and whilst her medication was changed and tweaked, Alzheimers is a cruel disease and it held her tightly in its grasp until, in 2018, when she could no longer resist it’s fatal grip, Dorothy passed away in her sleep.
This “Ordinary Woman” wasn’t so ordinary after all, like all of us working class women, she was a very “Extra-Ordinary Woman” making the best of her life and making the most of opportunities, when she had them.
On Friday March 6th whilst we are all celebrating, at our International Women’s Day event, I’d like you all to take some time out to remember how “Extra-Ordinary’ you are! And if you could also take a minute to remember this ‘Ordinary’ yet ‘Extra-Ordinary’ woman, Dot, as the 6th March would have been her 94th birthday. And she was my Mum.........................
I have set up a Just Giving page in her memory this year for Alzheimers Society to help the research into this cruel disease and to hopefully one day start giving choices back to everyone affected. This is the link if you feel you would like to contributehttps: www.justgiving.com/fundraising/dorothycerilla-an-extraordinarywoman
Margaret Inglesant FCMI, FREC
Leadership & Management Development Coach
Inspire UK
