We are all human, no one is perfect.

By Henrietta Bond

I had always believed I was pretty good at relationships. I’d taught communication skills to organisations for many years, with a focus on developing better working connections between colleagues. I’d also trained as a professional coach and spent a lot of time supporting my clients to improve their relationships at work and at home. But then in 2018 my own marriage fell apart and I handled things about as badly as you could possibly imagine. It’s not a time in my life I am proud of.

To start with I struggled with being alone. I hadn’t lived by myself since my mid 20s and in my mid 50s the novelty of having my own space was daunting, but in time became liberating and exciting. I used to close my door at the end of the day and think ‘Yes! Just me and the cat. This feels fantastic!’ I had a lot of fun with my newly found freedom, made new friends and had a number of brief encounters. The

thought of settling down to a new relationship had little appeal and I imagined myself being a free spirit for the rest of my days.

It’s funny how things never turn out quite as we imagine. I was lucky enough to meet a lovely man who wanted the same things as I did - some good quality time together but also the freedom to see other people. Everything was going well but then I went and did the worst thing possible, I convinced myself that I’d fallen in love with him. And good old-fashioned jealousy crept into our easy-going relationship.

It didn’t help that, as a result of an injury, I was taking pain-killers which had a known side effect of causing feelings of rage. As far as he was concerned everything was hunky-dory but the green-eyed monster got its hands on me and I blew everything out of the water. Ignoring all my knowledge, skills and experience I lashed out verbally, accusing him of deliberately hurting me. Of course I soon realised the mistake I had made – that just because we feel hurt it doesn’t mean that the other person has deliberately wounded us. I asked for forgiveness and he was kind enough to forgive me, but I knew our relationship was over.

At the time my divorce came through I found myself heart-broken and thoroughly wretched. I’d messed up two relationships in the same number of years. I decided that I was terrible at relationships and nobody would want to be with me ever again – but somehow relationships hadn’t given up on me. I remember being at an event where all I wanted to do was go back to my room and curl up in a ball, but in the coffee shop a young woman approached me and starting telling me all about her relationship.

Somehow I found myself switching straight into coaching mode, asking her questions about what she wanted and what she needed to change to achieve it. And the following day a coach friend approached me and said she needed some help with her relationship. I wanted to shout ‘Don’t ask me!

I’m rubbish at this stuff!’ but again I found myself switching back into a place of knowledge and skills. She said I’d been a great help and that’s when it really struck me, that the lessons we learn from our biggest failures may become some of the most valuable learning we ever receive.

When I mentioned this discovery to some friends their response was ‘You’d make a brilliant relationship coach, because you understand all sides of the situation – the bad as well as the good’. I let the idea sit in my head for a while because I still had a lot to entangle in my life, but I knew that I had finally found a way to use all that painful learning I’d been through.

Not long after this a lovely man who had previously been just a friend made it clear that he was interested in a relationship with me. This time I went in with my eyes wide open and with a promise to myself and my new partner that I would put into practice everything I knew about the power of honest and positively-intentioned communication. When something didn’t feel right I looked for gentle ways to discuss this with my partner. If I felt hurt I took responsibility for my own feelings and I identified all the ways I’d sulked, manipulated and expected former partners to be mind readers, and vowed to stop using all of them. I recognised – what I already knew in theory – that relationships take an awful lot of hard work to keep at their very best.

With the support of my new partner, my relationship coaching business Rewarding Relationships was born. He recognised my passion and commitment to help other people avoid the mistakes I’d made, by supporting them to make fully informed choices and learn kinder, more effective ways to communicate.

We are all human, and no relationships can ever be perfect, but we owe it to the other person to be the very best partner we can possibly be.

I live in West Yorkshire and work with coaching clients from all over the world. I work

with individuals and couples who have problems within their relationships, or who

are seeking a new relationship, but also issues around friends and relatives.

My website is rewarding-relationships.com.

Call me on 07976 658345 for an exploratory chat